.the last day.

wow. i cannot believe i will be leaving tomorrow morning. this has been such an interesting and incredible six weeks. i don't even know where to begin.

i leave tomorrow from san salvador about 1 o'clock, and i will return to pennsylvania 11:15 eastern time. i'm very thankful about the timing because i tink it will prevent any problems with jet lag that i might have had. it's only two hours difference, but still, i am thankful. i haven't been sleeping very well the past few nights because oso, the rodriguez family dog, has been waking me up. so i'm looking forward to sleeping in my bed at home!

it's so amazing to me how this time has come to an end at just the right time. erica and i are both ready to leave. it isn't that we want to leave the people we've met. it's that we're both just ready to be back home. this is a funny feeling for me because i'm normally gone away to school for months on a time. i think the only difference is just that i haven't been in as much contact with everyone as i normally am when i am at school. i've been removed from everyone who is really close to me rather than just one group.

yesterday was a little rough for erica and i. the church went to the lake for baptisms. it was a huge family day, and we were both already a little homesick. on top of that, we're just a little drained from relating to people. it can be tough after a while. for me, i was just having trouble making an effort when i know that i am leaving so soon. i really am thankful for all the relationships i have made while being here. i want to stay in touch and also to continue praying for those i have gotten to know. but i am ready to go.

it's weird to leave somewhere that i have, more or less, lived in for six weeks. it feels like i will return home and nothing will have changed. it kind of makes me wonder if i will feel like these last six weeks haven't happened. it's hard to leave in some ways too. i don't know whether or not i will ever see the hawk family or the rodriguez family again. i think that i will, but you never know where life will take you.

i've learned so much while being here. God changes me every day....no matter where i am. but there are some big things He has worked on me while i was here. i feel like He has taught me a lot about who i am. i understand to a greater extent that He truly has created me just as i am. but this also means that i am responsible for the weaknesses that i have. i am responsible to recognize them and to learn how to respond with love no matter how i´m feeling. i don´t think that my emotions will ever really tone down...although some people have told me otherwise. and it´s okay that they won´t. i can recognize my feelings as valid and yet still respond correctly.

we finished english classes, watched a movie with kaitlin today, and got to see sammy´s volleyball game. soon we are eating our last popusas and giving the gifts to our host missionaries. i had my exit review today and realized how awesome this experience truly has been for me. He is so faithful to work in us everyday.

i am going to go now because there is a huge thunderstorm. pray for me as i say my goodbyes and as i go on the travel home and then as i prepare to leave for asbury. it´s going to be a crazy few days. i am so thankful that God brought me here. i´m so glad He gave me the opportunity to know these people. and i´m so glad that He chooses to grow me wherever i am. thanks to all of you for the great amount of support and the way you have prayed for me these past weeks. you have no idea what you´ve done for me, and i just thank you all so much.

i can´t believe i´m signing off of here. i can´t believe i´m leaving. but most of all, i can´t believe all the good that has happened. thank you again. i truly appreciate all of you.

i love you all! goodbye and goodnight!

teaching kids by myself in the last days

so i figured that i should probably update this blog here again. i don't really know if anyone is still reading it, but what they hey. i'll send my thoughts out into the universe regardless. :) i have exactly five full days, including today, until i hop on a plane and head back to the states. that is awfully surreal for me to realize. i think because i have been here for so long, it feels in some ways like i am never going to leave. and it is just weird to realize, once more, that i have another part of my life that nobody back home has shared with me. i feel that way often about asbury and home. they are two very separate parts of my life that don't normally mix. andthat is how i feel about el salvador. i know that i have shared, and will share, a lot of my experiences with people in my life. but i also know that it is separate. it's just weird to have six weeks of your life in one place and then to leave. i'm returning to a place where, more or less, things are still the same. it's hard for me to explain, but i think some of you, if not all of you, understand.

okay. so keri left on tuesday. it has been weird to not have her around. she left so that she would have more time before she needed to head back to asbury. i really wasn't sure how things were going to go without her here. that meant i would be teaching the kids by myself for four days. and i just did not know how that would go down. on top of that, it mean that erica and i would be doing the english classes with rosetta stone by ourselves. keri had done a lot of work for that, and i wasn't sure how we were going to do with that. between school, graphic design stuff, and english classes, i thought this week would be super stressful. i just knew that i was going to get burnt out.

surprise upon surprises...this week has been not stressful at all. maybe it is because i know there is an end in sight. maybe God is just doing something in me. i don't know why, but i feel good. i still get nervous about school in the mornings. but i only have one day left. and overall, everything has gone really well. i honestly love the kids...even if i'm not the best teacher. when i was starting to stress about teaching the kids on my own, i really felt like God reminded me that if i do it with love, even if i stink royally, i cannot fail. my goal isn't to make sure these kids learn english...it is to show them love. and let me tell you, there are plenty of opportunities for that when kids constantly surround you and hug you.

this whole school thing is so surreal to me. i honestly cannot believe that i have been standing up in front of classes of thirty or more kids and holding their attention. they all seem so thankful to learn english. and they all, for the most part, really want to please me. of course, some of the older boys stare at me because, well, that's how it is, but even so i can tell it isn't creepy. it's just teenage boy awkwardness. and that just makes me smile. it has been a really good experience to do this. i can't say that i had the best attitude the first week, but something happened this last week. and i'm so glad it did. God is so gracious. i was initially very overwhelmed when we talked about going into the schools. through this, though, God has showed me that He can use me even when i feel incapable. He can use me even if i feel like i can't do something or that i am not gifted in an area. i don't think He always works like that. i think God likes to put us places where we can use our strengths. but sometimes i think He also likes to remind us that if we are open to Him, we can do more than we think we are capable of doing.

what else? english classes have been a lot more fun the past few days because other people have been coming in to help. they are trying to learn the computers and software for when we leave, so there has always been a crowd and plenty of help. i thoroughly enjoy that.

andddd the bugs are still biting me. it isn't as bad as it was the first few weeks, but i still get pretty itchy from time to time. that's irritating, but ohwell. i've gotten used to it.

i am starting to get a little homesick. i called my mom yesterday, but the line kept going in and out. i think i am just getting ready to go home. i don't want to leave the people behind. i don't want to say goodbye. but i want to go home. i'm not sure how difficult it will be for me to go back. i don't know if i'll feel stressed with what i have to do or if i'll feel like i need to still process alot. i don't know. but i do know that i am glad i have been here for the past six weeks. this has been one of those things that i decided to do while not truly understanding what i was doing. i think God can urge us along to decisions that we don't always understand. because seriously, i cannot believe that i have more or less lived here for six weeks. that is a crazy experience.

i'll probably update once more before i leave. i'd like to condense the things i have learned into a list. i am so thankful for all of your support. and i am really ready to come home. not because i hate this place, but because i'm just ready. i don't know how to aptly explain that. i look forward to sharing with all of you. i think the most change that has come out of this trip has been a change in me, but i also believe that i have affected somebody's life in some way probably. and if not, then maybe God just needed to work in me. i love you all!

beth

p.s. i forgot to add this. for the first time ever....i am tan. like actually darker. i put a lot of sunblock on at the beach and the resort, but i still got tan. this is the darkest i've ever been in my life. but don't worry, i'm still whiter than most. :)

the last week

so i am heading into the last full week that i will be here, and i have mixed feelings about it. first of all, it's going to be super busy. i explained that in the last blog. we have school in the mornings 8-11 and then english classes 3-7. on top of that, i am still finishing up my graphic design work. it isn't all going to get done, but i want to get as much as possible done.

yeah. mixed feelings. i was feeling super nervous about school earlier this morning. i was also teaching sunday school to the smaller kids this morning. i don't mind doing any of that. i mean, i like kids a lot. but i don't feel like i necessarily am very good at working with kids. and that can be very frustrating for me at times. i want to be better, but i just don't really have the mentality of how to work with kids super well. and today during church i felt really discouraged about that. and just in general about the last few weeks. it is easy to wonder if i have done anything. it's easy to feel like i've failed in so many ways or that nothing i have done really matters. it is just really easy to feel discouraged and upset.

but during and after church, i realized again why i am here. i'm not here to change the world or even so that people remember me. i am here out of obedience to Him. so everything i have done, no matter how big or small, no matter whether or not someone remembers it, everything matters to Him. and also, i just remembered that no matter how bad i seem to be at something, if i do it with love....if i work to love the kids and all those around me....that is enough. i don't have to be the best teacher in the world, i just need to love the kids and do as good as i can. that's all i can do. and that is all He asks for me to do.

keri is leaving on tuesday, and that will be hard to say goodbye. i mean, i will be seeing her in a few weeks. but we've all been here together, and i have, of course, depended on her in ways i do and don't know. she has been a huge help with the english classes, and she was also my aide in the classes at the school. and she's also a lot of fun too.

we're coming to the end, and i just can't believe it. part of me feels like so much has happened and part of me feels like nothing has happened. part of me is amazed at all i've done, and part of me wishes that i had done more. i don't fully understand why i am here still, and i'm not sure that i ever will. i'd like to think i made a difference in some way. but like i said, i really think that this was about obedience.

one thing i do know, i don't want to go back to the states with a bad attitude....like i should have done more. i know that there are things i could have handled better. but i also believe that i did what God wanted me to do. and if the only thing that comes out of this trip is that i pray for certain people and that i am changed, i want that to be enough. i don't want to have to be remembered or feel like i have to see some great change. i want it to be enough that i listened, i came, and i did my best here.

alright. enough of that. pray for me and erica this upcoming week as we finish up and as we are busy. pray that keri has a safe trip home. pray that this trip wraps up the way it should. and most of all, pray that the affects of this trip in our lives, and hopefully in the lives of others, last longer than six weeks.

oh. and i put some new pictures up on facebook from the resort. it was absolutely beautiful and relaxing. and so much fun!

love you all!

beth

two weeks to go?

i can´t believe that sentence is reality. the time here has passed so quickly. i mean, it definitely hasn´t always been easy, but the fact that i only have two weeks left is a sad. i´ve been noticing that i am a little more homesick in the past few days. i just miss family and friends. but i´ve also noticed that when i think about going home, i get a lump in my throat. it´s hard to spend so much time around people only to leave them. but i am still so thankful that i am here.

yesterday was a pretty horrible day for me. i was in an awful mood, and everything seemed to be going wrong. on top of that, it seemed like every insecurity just acted up and seemed to destroy me. i got very angry and very frustrated. afterwards, i felt like such a failure. it is very easy for me to hate the passionate nature that God has given me. it seems like it always leads to temper flareups and other problems. i wish that i didn´t get upset so easily. i wish i didn´t get frustrated so easily. and sometimes, i honestly don´t know how to control my temper. on top of that, i´ve been reading a lot in proverbs. that book has a lot about controlling your temper and your words. i don´t know, i just felt awful. i prayed for forgiveness, and i knew that He had forgiven me, but i still felt like such a failure. i honestly don´t understand why God made me the way that i am sometimes. i know that my greatest weaknesses are also my greatest strengths, but that doesn´t always make me feel better. and at times, it is like everything within me works against my heart that wants to follow God. it makes me feel like i´m not meant to be a christian. i prayed a lot last night and this morning. i know God made me the way i am for a reason. and i love the good parts of my passionate nature. i think God just wanted to solidify in me that i need to learn to control my temper. i need to willfully surrender that part of me to Him.

it´s funny....the biggest thing i feel like i´ve learned so far is just about how insufficient i am. i will never be "good enough" for Him. there is nothing good in me--except for Him. last night as i was telling God that i feel like i am not a good witness for Him, i felt like He was telling me that there will always be mistakes. i will always mess up...even if i´m not blatantly sinning. it isn´t about my messups. it´s about how i handle them. it´s about my response. i am thankful for the way He has more fully exposed my weaknesses. i know that i cannot be perfect, but i want to start praying more when i start to get angry. i want to learn how to deal with it in a more healthy way. not so that He will love me more, but so that i can honor Him more with my conduct. at the end of the day, i feel like the sins i struggle with the most are the ones deep inside me...the ones that dwell in my personality traits and perspective. only He can redeem those parts of me. i am so thankful that He loves me, that He will never walk away from me, and that He will never give up on me.

we´re leaving for the resort tomorrow. please pray for me as i go. i´m still struggling with some distraction issues...and i just want to have the right heart and attitude. things have been better the past few days, but i am not under the delusion that everything is fine. i know the problem still exists. i am definitely not infallible. keri leaves next week. i´m really sad about that. especially since next week is going to be the craziest week. school will finally be back in session. so erica and i will be at the school 8-11 and then do english classes 3-7. on top of that, i will be teaching alone for the first time. i´m a little nervous about that. just pray that i have the strength and the right attitude for next week. and for erica too. we´re a little worried about how stressful it will be. and good news! i am doing really well with all the graphic design stuff. i´m not done, but i know everything that needs to be done. and i can see the end in sight. anyways. i think that is all for now. i´m leaving early tomorrow morning. ick. but to go to the resort, it will all be worthwhile. i love you all, and thank you for praying for me!
beth
p.s. everyone is in the next room playing with the wii (is that how you spell it?), and i keep hearing weird sound effects. ohmy.

i live with two teenage boys.

i never realize how long it has been since my last blog post. i seriously thought i had done one two days ago. but no, it has been a week. and since i am sure that everyone back home is dying to know what is happening in my life, here i am again.

yes, i do live with two teenage boys. and i wanted to take the opportunity to talk a little more about my host family: the rodriguez family. my host dad, miguel, is mexican and my host mom, vivian, is nicaraguan. vivian actually used to hate mexicans due to a certain incident she had when traveling, but her parents forced her to study in mexico because they wanted to break up her and her current boyfriend at the time. so vivian studied in mexico and met a friend of her sister´s named miguel. they got married and lived in mexico city for a while, and then they moved to honduras and had their four kids: guillermo, rebecca, timmy, and sammy. later on, they felt called to move to el salvador as missionaries. they´ve only been here about 7 months, i believe. miguel is the head pastor at the church here in jucuapa: centro cristiano familiar. vivian is a vivacious, fireball of a lady. she talks a mile a minute, but she truly has one of the sweetest hearts. her english is understandable, but she does have trouble speaking it sometimes. miguel is, oh my, a wonderful man full of happiness. that´s a good way to describe him. he loves his family and God very much. and his sermons are always very powerful...even though i can´t get everything he says at the time. miguel taught english for a while, so his english is very good.

now for the two teenage boys. timmy is 16 and sammy is 17. the other rodriguez kids still live in honduras. timmy is one of the sweetest teenage boys i have ever met. he is respectful, and, well, he washes my dishes sometimes. that´s just how he is. he loves to sing all the time, and he has a great voice. for some reason, though, whenever timmy really gets into singing, sammy says, ¨timmy, why are you crying?¨ it´s become a big joke between all of us. timmy has a girlfriend back in honduras that he is loves an awful lot, but he hasn´t seen here for about 7 months. he wants to be an esl teacher and probably teach either here or somewhere abroad. timmy´s and sammy´s english is pretty much flawless because they grew up in a bilingual school and a bilingual home because of their dad. sammy is the cutie of the family. he is completely the youngest child in every way. he knows how to pout so that he gets his way, but he doesn´t do that often. he is actually a pretty mature fifteen year old. i spend a lot of time around him, and he is a sweetheart as well. i told him the other day that i really do feel like he is my brother. sammy wants to be an architect someday. i was worried about what it would be like living with two teenage boys, but i pretty much think they are amazing. i look forward to seeing them and hanging out with them everyday. they are two very special boys. and they are both ridiculously smart.

so that is the family i´ve been living with for the past three weeks. after about a week here, i realized that i was going to be crying when i left. you grow attached to people very quickly. it´s just the way that it is. and that´s okay too. many people go to lots of different places to do mission work. but for me, i think i want to just focus on one or two areas. i would love to be involved in this ministry in jucuapa for the rest of my life. i don´t mean that i want to move down here. but when i do take trips, i would like to return here. i would like to partner with this church and the schools. i just feel like if i am going to invest in something, i want it to be something that i know well. we´ll have to see how that all pans out in my life.

what else is happening? english classes are going on right now. overall, they have been going well, but there have been a few snares. one of the computers isn´t working very well. and scheduling has been a nightmare. mostly that´s just culture, but it can be really frustrating for us. school is cancelled next week as well. so we will only be in the schools one week before we go. keri is leaving not next week but the following week. fun stuff that we are doing: tomorrow we are going to the beach for the day. then next week we are going to a resort for about three days. i am very excited! there should be lots of pictures up in the next week.

prayer requests....umm...that the english classes would continue going well. that erica and i would be okay with the workload once keri leaves. that i would get all of my graphic design work done. for timmy and sammy because they really want to go on this pastor kid´s retreat, and they aren´t sure that they will be able to do so. and also, just for me that i would have the right heart and attitude. it is easy to get distracted. and i have been struggling with relating to one person in particular here. i want to be above reproach in all that i do, but i also want to be able to relax and have a good time. so yes. i think that is it for now. there will probably be two or three more updates before i come home. gasp. thanks to all of you for praying and loving me. i appreciate it very much!
beth

.vbs.adorable kids.english classes.breakdowns.

that pretty much sums it up, so i think i'll stop typing after this sentence. :)

just. joking.

so it has been an interesting week for me emotionally. i was struggling a lot with stress earlier this week. and then last night i had a very interesting evening. let's start with that last post.

i feel much better regarding my graphic design work. i think i just struggle because i feel like there are a lot of expectations on me, and i don't want to fail anyone. also, i hate having people look over my shoulders as i am designing something. some people can sit next to me, and i'm fine if they see me as i design. but some people seriously stand over me. i feel like they are judging my every movement. it makes me a little crazy. i do struggle to create and design things. i'm not always sure of what i'm doing. and it's just difficult for me to execute a good idea. but overall, i'm feeling much better.

what else? english classes finally started. the problems finally got worked out, and we've had a few students since then. please keep praying, though, as we learn how to utilize the program to the best of its abilities. there are definitely still kinks to work out. and it is humbling for the people to come in and try to learn english when people are watching them--even if we are there to help.

we had vbs this past week because the schools were out. the work team from asbury had a whole bunch of stuff prepared, so everything went very well. i basically just helped out with the little kids. and i've fallen in love with the kids. they are so adorable. i want to write down all of their names so that i remember to pray for them. i mean, i am here for a few more weeks. but i think most of the impact that i can have on them is through consistent prayer.

and now....the breakdown. last night i was journalling about some things that i was feeling. it was like i saw a problem, and i wanted to solve it. and as i worked through how i was feeling, i realized that my problem was so much more than i thought it was. it wasn't just this isolated incident. it was my perspective. it was what i thought of myself. and, of course, i should have known. it's funny how our insecurities can always find us no matter where we are. they hunt me down sometimes. i had a good time of prayer and journalling and, yes, crying. i realized again how much He loves me. and how skewed my perspective of myself can be. the sad thing is that when my perspective of myself gets so screwed up, i stop reaching out to others. last night i realized anew how much i struggle with my self-worth. it's not as if i don't know the truth of who i am. i know who i am in Him. but sometimes truth doesn't reach the heart. He loves all of us so much. He knows exactly who we are, our strengths and weaknesses, our failures, and our mistakes--but He still loves us. i am so thankful for that. i am so thankful that His love is strong.

today i was a little exhausted just because of the emotional drain of yesterday. but i noticed that i was more willing to give, more willing to engage, and more willing to reach out. i'm thankful that He shows me when something is wrong. and i am so thankful that He shows me my insufficiencies....but doesn't leave it at that.

one thing i have noticed that frustrates me is...well...i feel very cynical. sometimes when christians talk about their faith or their testimony, i am just left feeling dissatisfied and cynical. i tihnk we underrate God so much. it becomes some happy-go-lucky relationship where He is our best friend full of love. and there are elements of that in the relationship. but honestly, i don't consider God my best friend. He is infinitely higher than that. He knows everything about me in every way. He is not something that can be substantiated into infantile human words. i don't know, it just bothers me how we make God seem so friendly. i don't know how to explain it. all i know is that i feel very dissatisfied with the way christians talk about God. i know that may sound pretentious, but it's the way i feel.

okay. prayer requests. that vbs would finish up well. that we would get the hang of our english classes and how to teach the people that come in. and continue to pray that i would sacrifice my pride. i never want to feel like i can't do anything simply because i am worried about people's perceptions of me. i want to sacrifice who i am. all i want to do is to learn how to love. please continue to pray that i will reach out to people and pray for them. i know i can't change the world, but i do want to live as He asks me to live. and i don't want to isolate myself.

i'm very thankful for all the good that has happened already. i love the relationships i have made with the rodriguez and hawk family. i feel very loved and cared for here. there has been a lot of healing in my life these past few weeks. i know that He is doing good things inside of me. and i just want to honor Him with how i handle these next weeks.

i love all of you! thank you so much for your prayers and support! this has been an experience that i don't even know how to begin to describe. :)

oh. and for those of you who don't know....i was joking about the guillermo de ochoa comment. he's a player on the mexican soccer team. and i've been watching the games for the gold cup with the rodriguez family. basically, he's awesome. and the most beloved player on the team. and he totally won the game for the team and now they're in the finals. i hope mexico beats the us tomorrow. yeah. i said it. but i don't actually know him. it was a joke. :) love you all!

.moment of peace.

so i'm up here typing away at taylor's computer while everyone finishes up the first day of vacation bible school. they didn't really need me. and honestly, i needed to get away. i think erica could tell that. i've been feeling super emotional lately. i mean, i'm normally an emotional person. but, i don't know, the last few days have been a little rougher for me. i've just been feeling blue. and, i don't know, underappreciated. i hesitate to write this here, but i promised myself i would be honest so that people back home would know how to pray for me. i've just been noticing the past few days how i just want to cry over random things that don't matter. i've been getting my feelings hurt more. and i just, i don't know, i feel like i can just about kill myself doing things and nobody really appreciates or understands what i'm doing. basically this is regards to the graphic design stuff that i'm doing. i work so hard on everything that i do. and it is so time consuming. i know it doesn't have to be perfect, but i try to get as close to perfection as possible because that is what i demand. but when i'm done, i don't know how to explain it. part of it is just that people don't really understand what i'm doing. but it's so difficult to work so hard on something and then.....no real response. it's just expected of me that i do these things. and it's a little stressful because i have so many tasks that are expected of me. i like doing graphic design work, but i'm not necessarily sure that i have a gift for it. it's very taxing, and often i just end feeling like a failure. and everyday there is something else that somebody else wants me to do. i just feel really frustrated and really emotional. i don't enjoy feeling that way. and, i don't know, it's just hard sometimes when people hurt my feelings. it's so ridiculous some of the things that hurt me, but they do hurt me. and where i am at currently, well, part of me just wants to sit down and cry or completely withdraw.

wow. that was a lot of emotion in a paragraph. just please pray for me. i struggle a lot in my life with feeling unvalidated. i think this is just another outlet for that same old insecurity. i don't want to make everything about me. i know that loving God is about loving with reckless abandonment. it's about giving up everything. i don't want to need responses or validation. i know that His view of me is the truth. but all of us need validation in some way. and i'm just struggling with that right now. please pray for me. i don't want to be selfish. and i don't want to be on the edge of tears. i want to be able to serve others no matter how they respond to me.

sorry if this was a little much. i just needed to get it out. i will be okay. i know i will. no matter what anyone thinks of me or whether or not i am validated, i know that He knows me completely. He loves me. He calls me and what i do valid. everything i do is an act of service to Him. and while that doesn't feel like enough now....it is enough. i know He is enough.

i love you all! hopefully my next post will be a bit less heavy. :)

beauty and the beast. swine flu. and life.

hello people who love and know me,
i'll try to actually do a decent update on my life. i'm not feeling super chatty, though, so i'm not sure how this will work. right now, we're hanging out at the hawks house. some of us are watching "beauty and the beast." timmy and taylor are playing video games. the new work team of four girls just came in today and went on a walk. erica is talking to her mom. and i don't know where kaitlin is. yesterday we went to usulutan for some groceries and we went to pizza hut. it was a really nice pizza hut, and it was nice to just hang out. basically it was the hawk family, the rodriguez family, and the VIAs. it was a lot of fun. it's hard to share all of the random stories i have from here.
honestly, the thing i love most is just hanging out with the missionary kids here: sammy & timmy (we live with them) and taylor and kaitlin. i just love joking around with them and getting to know them. this weekend we went to see a school performance at sammy's and timmy's school. their part of the performance was "old macdonald." timmy was old macdonald and sammy was the wise man. it was so much fun to see them perform.
what else is going on? well, most of the schools are closing down here because of swine flu. but hang on, mom, please don't freak out. i know she's going to as soon as she reads this. :) mostly it is just precautionary measures. but the minister of health met with someone else today and closed all the schools in this area. so basically, i don't think we'll be teaching in the schools for the next two weeks. part of me is sad, because i do love the kids, but part of me is also happy. it will be nice to focus on other things.
the school is going okay, but i've been feeling very discouraged. in general, it is hard to feel like i'm making a difference at all in any way. i've just been struggling a lot with feeling like i don't have anything to give or offer. and the times that i enjoy the most are not my "ministry." it's just hanging out with people and getting to know them. i know that i don't have to change the world or anything, but i do want to feel like i'm doing something. especially with the kids at school. i want to love them in a way that is remarkable. and i want to have fun teaching them. but i honestly feel incapable and like i don't know what to do. just please pray that i will have the right attitude. i want to have a servant's heart, but i'm just feeling a little discouraged and insufficient.
also please be praying for this whole rosetta stone language class thing. we've been having tons of trouble with this program, and everyone is at the end of their rope. it's just been a rough process. and we really wanted to start the program up this week. furthermore, if the schools do close, we're going to be throwing together a vbs for the kids, so we need a lot of prayer for that.
just one other prayer request....please keep my heart in mind. i realized this last week how easy it is for satan to exploit our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. that sounds really extreme, but that truly is how i feel. i've been struggling with focus and just some weaknesses inside of me that i knew were there. i feel a lot better than i was feeling, but i am still a little tentative. i want to be wise, but i also want to be able to relax and have fun. anyways. those are my prayer requests for now.
and on a quick other note, i climbed a volcano on friday! i haven't figured out how to put the pictures up here, but they are on facebook. and if you must see them, just email me and let me know. it was an incredible experience to be that high up. it seriously was one of the coolest things i've ever done. it was mount alegria (happiness), and we went to a restaurant afterwards. it was so cool....and we had a lot of fun. the guys work team left on saturday. i was sad to see them go. they're a great group of guys.
anyways, everyone is waiting on me to leave. i love all of you! thank you for praying for me. ohyeah...and the communication thing...still pray for that.
.love. beth

volcano

this will be a quick one, because i don´t feel like typing now. i have some pictures from the school where i´m working in the mornings during the week and from the volcano that i hiked yesterday. but i have not yet figured out how to load them on here. if i can´t figure out how to do that, email me and let me know you´d like to see pictures. i have them on facebook, but i don´t have them on here yet. love you guys!
beth

i am not a teacher or a celebrity.

so...this one might be quick because we have dinner in 30 minutes. i meant to get on here a while ago to update, but by the time i commented and so on and so forth, it was 5:00. anyways. today was the first day that we were at the kids school. we got there twenty minutes early because the principal told us to do so, but all we ended up doing was being surrounded by children as the gave us bracelets and lipgloss. seriously. we were surrounded. it was a little overwhelming to teach the children, especially because i have no experience, but erica was a huge help. tomorrow, though, it is just me and keri. we are both a little nervous because we are not studying to be teachers so our creativity level in this department is a little lower. please pray for us as we continue to teach. we will be at this school monday through friday from 8-11 AM. so it´s gonna be a little crazy. there still hasn´t been any news abou the rosetta stone classes. we have some more RAM, but it hasn´t been installed yet, so i´m not sure how everything is going to work out.
school today was a lot of fun although crazy in every way. it´s frustrating language-wise for me still, because i know everything that i need to know. when i am pressured to speak it, though, i have so much trouble doing so. i know that i´ve only been here for a week, and that i have already improved. but it´s scary to be trying to teach a language to little children who only speak spanish. just please pray for us. keri and i are just not very gifted in this area. and while i know God wants to stretch me and teach me new things, it can still be a little frustrating.
but then i have to remind myself that i am doing things that i do know how to do. since i´ve been here, i´ve had the opportunity to fix the church´s logo, and i have also created two t-shirt designs. i´ve also been helping out with some computer work, and i will be creating more t-shirts in the future. it has been exciting to do things that i do like to do and that i do have knowledge about.
right now there is an american team here so there are now roughly 15 white people in jucuapa. you truly do get stared at whereever you go because most people haven´t ever seen americans. erica, keri, and i have joked that we´re going to cause a car accident one of these days. already someone almost walked into a pole and another guy almost fell off his bike. i don´t even make eye contact with most of the men because it just causes awkward comments. this is the first time in my life that i will be walking down the street and get whistled at. yeah. i´ve started to get a little more used to it, though, and i think that people are starting to get a little more used to seeing us because we walk around a lot. we know our way around jucuapa fairly well. the american team is from florida and they are doing some work at a super poor school and also making cabinets for the church. they´re nice guys, so it´s been a good time.
what else? the bugs are still attacking me full force. i am going to change to unscented soap and use bug spray. if that doesn´t help, i´m going to go to the doctor, because it is almost unbearable. i itch all the time, and my legs are covered. i wake up in the middle of the night itching. i´m pretty frustrated about that because it is really uncomfortable. so please continue praying that clears up. also, i´ve been feeling a little bit lonely....even though i´m around people all the time. i´ve realized how spoiled i am because i have so many friends and family members who know me completely. it´s hard for me in new situations because i often feel pigeon-holed or like people expect me to act a certain way. i´ve loosened up a lot in the past few years, and so i tend to show the very silly side of my personality first. it´s hard, though, because i end up feeling like that´s how people expect me to act all the time, and that isn´t really who i am. honestly, i´m a pretty serious person. i cried a few nights ago because i realized how much i miss having people around me who just know me completely. it´s hard to explain. after praying, though, i realized that i again have to stop looking through the lens of how i feel and look through the lens of how i can serve. i know that God wants to hear and meet my needs, but i also believe that i need to focus not on myself, but on others. and normally, when i do so, everything else falls into place.
so far, this has been a good experience, but very different than i expected. i love all the missionary kids down here--i call them kids because most of them are 6 years younger than me. the funny thing is, though, that they don´t act immature or obnoxiously young. they are all lots of fun to hang out with, and they made me realize that i probably wouldn´t mind working in a youth group or something in the future--i always used to think that i couldn´t handle that.
anyways. i also went shopping today and bought an awesome red belt that says "el salvador" and a cute top. the belt is a little big, so i would like to hammer a hole in it when i get home. i just couldn´t resist buying it, because it was real leather and engraved and only five dollars. i think that i may buy some christmas presents when i´m down here. :)
oh. and this friday, we are going back to san miguel for some souvenir shopping with the work team. and we´re also going to see a volcano because there are tons around here. i am very excited! i will take pictures then, and i might take pictures just of around too. so hopefully in the next two weeks there will be some pictures.
and one more thing. i´ve fallen in love.
if any of you actually just fell for that, well, then, you need to realize i am happily single. there is a boy that i think is cute, though, his name is guillermo, and he is the goalie for the mexican soccer team. pretty much he´s awesome. i´ve been watching so many soccer games, that i need to find something to interest me. he´s fulfilled that position. :)
hey. i love you all. and now i need to go wash my feet--because i´m constantly dirty here--and go to dinner. thanks for reading this and praying for me and investing in my life. i love all of you, and i truly appreciate you!
.love. beth

san miguel, bugbites, and bathroom doors

so here i am again typing away on sammy´s spanish keyboard. it´s mostly the same, but it has a few differences--just like jucuapa. i honestly don´t feel any culture shock really. sometimes i feel a little overwhelmed when i can´t understand what people are saying to me, but overall jucuapa is just a little town. it has internet access. i can drink and use the water--which is awesome because i didn´t know that until i got here. people understand me when i speak. and the missionary kids here; sammy and timmy from the family i´m staying with and kaitlin and taylor from the hawks; are all fairly normal teenagers. outside of keri and erica, i hang out with them more than anybody else. i´m the oldest of the whole group--even though i probably don´t act like it all the time (smile)--but they are all a lot of fun. the mks range from ages 15 to 17. keri is 20, and erica is 19. so overall, it has been a lot of fun getting to know, well, everyone.
my host family, the rogriguez family, are such incredibly welcoming people. after dinner we normally sit and talk. vivian is practicing her english, and i try to practice my spanish. in the evening we normally just hang out with sammy and timmy. we´re not supposed to go out after dark really...and dark hits around 8 o´clock down here. we did go out to get ice cream the one night after 8 because the guys were with us, but the entire town was deserted. pretty much everything shuts down in jucuapa after 8. it was weird. what else? well, the rodriguez family had a little bathroom for us outside our room. and until yesterday it didn´t have a door so we weren´t really using it. we probably could have used it and just shielded ourselves with the shower curtain, but olso, their dog, loved to run in while we were going to the bathroom, etc.
but now all is well, and we are happy to have a door.
i feel like there is so much i have to say! i´m sorry if i´m rambling on, but i just can´t help myself. today we went to san miguel to shop for the first work team that is arriving tomorrow. the supermarket was in the mall, so keri and i walked around for a little bit. i haven´t bought anything here except for food, and i didn´t buy anything today. i went into a shoe store, but i felt like the employees were surrounding me--because they literally were--and i was pretty uncomfortable, so i ended up leaving pretty quickly. me, erica, and keri are providing our own breakfast every morning out of money given to us from the missionaries. the last two days we went down to a little marketplace and bought some sweet bread and yogurt. i´d still like to do that from time to time, but it will be nice to have other options too now that i bought some food at the supermarket in san miguel. the food here is fantastic. and i am so thankful that i like beans. because i have them alot, and i still enjoy them.
and now to tell you what i am going to be doing. there is a smattering of random things and then there are the big things. the randomness is that i´ll be (hopefully) setting up a website, doing some graphic design work, and also designing some t-shirts. the big stuff is that monday thru friday erica, keri, and i will be teaching english at a spanish school in the area. we´ll be teaching in one hour increments to grades 4 through 9. when we went to visit there, the kids literally surrounded us. they were so excited to meet us because there are no americans in jucuapa except the hawks. yeah. we get lots of looks when we go outside. in the afternoons and evenings we are going to be assisting with learning english using the rosetta stone program. all of this starts next week, so i´m going to start getting very busy soon.
as for prayer requests, well, like i wrote in my title, i am getting bitten up like mad. i´m using bug spray, and i don´t really know what else to do. it´s just irritating to be itchy. also, we´ve been having problems with the computers that we are using for rosetta stone. i spent five hours working on it on wednesday, and i couldn´t figure out what the problem was. when we finally called tech, i found out that the problem was not me, but that the computer didn´t have enough memory. yeah. i was a little frustrated. but this program is a really big deal because it serves as a great outreach to the community. lots of people are interested in it, and the church wants to use it to teach english as well as to get people learning more about God. the work team tomorrow is bringing more RAM, but i´m not sure it will be enough. so please pray that the computers will work. also, please pray for erica, keri, and i as we head into the schools on monday. when we first started talking about it as we toured the schools, i felt completely overwhelmed. i almost started crying. but as i was internally freaking out, i realized that i honestly can do nothing on my own anyways. i am insufficient, and i need to trust that He will be my sufficiency. the other prayer request i would have is for communication. i am trying very hard to speak spanish when i can, but i have trouble understanding people and communicating with them. this is scary to think about as i go into teaching others english. i did realize the other day as i was journalling that this is largely because i am afraid of failure or afraid of how i will look. realizing that helped me to understand that i need to be humble enough to ask people to repeat or make sure that i understand what is going on. it´s just frustrating because i have studied spanish for so long and still feel like i don´t know what is happening sometimes. a final prayer request that i have is just for patience and skill as i do some basic graphic design stuff. i know what i am doing to a certain extent, but i´m definitely not very gifted at it, and i want to do well. okay. i´m almost done.
the last thing i want to say is completely random. the rodriguez family and the girls and i watched the world cup game last night, and i was reminded of why i don´t watch sports. i was so irritated. the referee was calling things that didn´t need to be called and some of the soccer players were acting like children. the game ended tied simply because one player refused to get off of the field after being given a red card. yeah. my host family was pretty frustrated too.
i think that´s it for now. i don´t know when i will update next, but kudos to you if you got through all of this. i love you all!

estoy aqui. and now what?

hello everyone who happens to be reading this. :)
yesterday (seems like a lot longer) i woke up aroun 1:30, packed the rest of my things, and headed out to the baltimore airport. i met up with keri and erica (the two girls who are with me here) at the atlanta airport, and we got on our plane to san salvador. it was about a four hour flight. we met up with david and debbie hawk (one of the missionaries here) outside of the airport. we went out to eat for lunch and then travelled the rest of the way to jucuapa. erica, keri, and i had all gotten up super early, so we were rather slap happy, but all turned out okay.

what to say? goodness, i don't even know. we're staying with another missionary family who is orignally from honduras: miguel and vivian rodriguez. their two sons, sammy and timmy, also live with them. all of us are sharing room together, but now that we're organized, i think we'll be okay. jucuapa really just reminds me of a regular little town. it's a very lovely town. i do plan to get around to taking pictures, but this is only my second day here. we went to church yesterday and then ate supper at the rodriguez house. we had popusos for dinner--it's kind of like a corn tortilla with cheese, beans, meat, or a mixture of that. they were really good. :) i went to bed earlier than everyone because i felt completely out of it. i woke up at 6:30 this morning--two hours before i had to, but i was glad to have some time to think.

debbie and david talked to us about what we would be doing in the upcoming weeks. we'll be working at the church with sunday school, vbs, and the youth group. there will also be a few random projects we'll do. and we're going to be helping with the start of some rosetta stone english classes.

overall, everything has been going very well. the community here has been extremely welcoming. the rodriguez family is amazing, and i really appreciate the way they have welcomed us into their home. the spanish has been a little rocky for me. i find that i am fine as long as i am having a conversation with someone, but i don't always understand what people are saying around me or if they talk for a long amount of time. even so, though, i am so thankful that i have at least a rudimentary idea of what is going on. i can't imagine not knowing anything. and i've been proud of the fact that i am trying.

i do want to be honest, though, and say that thinking about being here for six weeks--now that i am here--is rather overwhelming. i get nervous that i won't be able to understand or communicate with people. and it's hard to be in a completely new situation. on top of that, all of us girls stick out like nothing else. i knew we would, but it is different to know something and then to experience it. i'm not really sure how to handle that. overall, i just want to have the right attitude as i am here. i get so nervous that i won't be able to understand spanish the way i should or that i won't be able to help as much as i should and so on. there's just a lot of fear and insecurity--like there is in most situations.

but i believe that God brought me here. i mean, seriously, i raised all my money in rougly a month. i just want to get to a point of feeling comfortable here. especially as i start going to the open marketplace down the road tomorrow. please pray that i won't withdraw in this new situation. i do know that i need to take time for myself to think and pray, but i don't want to run away from anything just because i'm scared. i appreciate all of you and all that you have done for me. thanks for praying for me. i have no idea what's going to happen in the next few weeks, but i know that i will do my best to submit to Him.

i love you all!

airline tickets and other such things

i've got roughly three weeks before i leave. how did that happen?

today i got a call from the guy who is arranging my whole trip. he told me that i am officially leaving july 7th and returning august 18th. that means i will get back on tuesday and head back to college on saturday. it's a little close, but the time difference isn't a huge thing. and i do think that i will be okay. i won't be working after my trip, so i should have time to recuperate. either way, though, that's how it is happening, and i am sure that i will deal with it as needed.

jared (the guy in charge) also told me that i'm at my 60% mark financially. and my plane tickets are likely going to be less than budgeted for. this is incredible and so much more than i expected. i have to admit that i was worried i would end up paying for the whole thing myself. and while i am okay with doing that, i also know i don't have money to do it. that was one of the reasons i've put off doing a mission trip for so long. jared also told me how much money i will have to pay if i don't get any more money yet, and it was so much less than what i was expecting to have to pay. i was really worried about doing this trip because of where i am at financially. it honestly isn't a wise decision financially. but i felt like now was the time for me to do it. i stepped out on a limb, and He has been very faithful to me. i know people always say that, but i truly do mean it. i honestly expected i was going to have to pay for most of this trip myself.

keep me in your prayers as i get geared up to go. i still have three weeks, but i do have stuff that needs to get completed. i really just want this to be something that makes me more like Him. and i want to be able to serve the people in el salvador too. thanks for all of your support and just for investing in my life--and i don't mean in the financial aspect. i appreciate all that each of you has done for me, and i hope that i can honor your contribution in my life through this trip. 

i probably won't update before i leave, but i'll be doing lots of updates there hopefully. 

this is going to be something beautifully different than anything i've done before. and i can't wait to experience it with Him. i'm sure it will be difficult, but i'm also sure that He'll be there with me. we'll go through it together. :) 

.love. beth