.the last day.

wow. i cannot believe i will be leaving tomorrow morning. this has been such an interesting and incredible six weeks. i don't even know where to begin.

i leave tomorrow from san salvador about 1 o'clock, and i will return to pennsylvania 11:15 eastern time. i'm very thankful about the timing because i tink it will prevent any problems with jet lag that i might have had. it's only two hours difference, but still, i am thankful. i haven't been sleeping very well the past few nights because oso, the rodriguez family dog, has been waking me up. so i'm looking forward to sleeping in my bed at home!

it's so amazing to me how this time has come to an end at just the right time. erica and i are both ready to leave. it isn't that we want to leave the people we've met. it's that we're both just ready to be back home. this is a funny feeling for me because i'm normally gone away to school for months on a time. i think the only difference is just that i haven't been in as much contact with everyone as i normally am when i am at school. i've been removed from everyone who is really close to me rather than just one group.

yesterday was a little rough for erica and i. the church went to the lake for baptisms. it was a huge family day, and we were both already a little homesick. on top of that, we're just a little drained from relating to people. it can be tough after a while. for me, i was just having trouble making an effort when i know that i am leaving so soon. i really am thankful for all the relationships i have made while being here. i want to stay in touch and also to continue praying for those i have gotten to know. but i am ready to go.

it's weird to leave somewhere that i have, more or less, lived in for six weeks. it feels like i will return home and nothing will have changed. it kind of makes me wonder if i will feel like these last six weeks haven't happened. it's hard to leave in some ways too. i don't know whether or not i will ever see the hawk family or the rodriguez family again. i think that i will, but you never know where life will take you.

i've learned so much while being here. God changes me every day....no matter where i am. but there are some big things He has worked on me while i was here. i feel like He has taught me a lot about who i am. i understand to a greater extent that He truly has created me just as i am. but this also means that i am responsible for the weaknesses that i have. i am responsible to recognize them and to learn how to respond with love no matter how i´m feeling. i don´t think that my emotions will ever really tone down...although some people have told me otherwise. and it´s okay that they won´t. i can recognize my feelings as valid and yet still respond correctly.

we finished english classes, watched a movie with kaitlin today, and got to see sammy´s volleyball game. soon we are eating our last popusas and giving the gifts to our host missionaries. i had my exit review today and realized how awesome this experience truly has been for me. He is so faithful to work in us everyday.

i am going to go now because there is a huge thunderstorm. pray for me as i say my goodbyes and as i go on the travel home and then as i prepare to leave for asbury. it´s going to be a crazy few days. i am so thankful that God brought me here. i´m so glad He gave me the opportunity to know these people. and i´m so glad that He chooses to grow me wherever i am. thanks to all of you for the great amount of support and the way you have prayed for me these past weeks. you have no idea what you´ve done for me, and i just thank you all so much.

i can´t believe i´m signing off of here. i can´t believe i´m leaving. but most of all, i can´t believe all the good that has happened. thank you again. i truly appreciate all of you.

i love you all! goodbye and goodnight!

teaching kids by myself in the last days

so i figured that i should probably update this blog here again. i don't really know if anyone is still reading it, but what they hey. i'll send my thoughts out into the universe regardless. :) i have exactly five full days, including today, until i hop on a plane and head back to the states. that is awfully surreal for me to realize. i think because i have been here for so long, it feels in some ways like i am never going to leave. and it is just weird to realize, once more, that i have another part of my life that nobody back home has shared with me. i feel that way often about asbury and home. they are two very separate parts of my life that don't normally mix. andthat is how i feel about el salvador. i know that i have shared, and will share, a lot of my experiences with people in my life. but i also know that it is separate. it's just weird to have six weeks of your life in one place and then to leave. i'm returning to a place where, more or less, things are still the same. it's hard for me to explain, but i think some of you, if not all of you, understand.

okay. so keri left on tuesday. it has been weird to not have her around. she left so that she would have more time before she needed to head back to asbury. i really wasn't sure how things were going to go without her here. that meant i would be teaching the kids by myself for four days. and i just did not know how that would go down. on top of that, it mean that erica and i would be doing the english classes with rosetta stone by ourselves. keri had done a lot of work for that, and i wasn't sure how we were going to do with that. between school, graphic design stuff, and english classes, i thought this week would be super stressful. i just knew that i was going to get burnt out.

surprise upon surprises...this week has been not stressful at all. maybe it is because i know there is an end in sight. maybe God is just doing something in me. i don't know why, but i feel good. i still get nervous about school in the mornings. but i only have one day left. and overall, everything has gone really well. i honestly love the kids...even if i'm not the best teacher. when i was starting to stress about teaching the kids on my own, i really felt like God reminded me that if i do it with love, even if i stink royally, i cannot fail. my goal isn't to make sure these kids learn english...it is to show them love. and let me tell you, there are plenty of opportunities for that when kids constantly surround you and hug you.

this whole school thing is so surreal to me. i honestly cannot believe that i have been standing up in front of classes of thirty or more kids and holding their attention. they all seem so thankful to learn english. and they all, for the most part, really want to please me. of course, some of the older boys stare at me because, well, that's how it is, but even so i can tell it isn't creepy. it's just teenage boy awkwardness. and that just makes me smile. it has been a really good experience to do this. i can't say that i had the best attitude the first week, but something happened this last week. and i'm so glad it did. God is so gracious. i was initially very overwhelmed when we talked about going into the schools. through this, though, God has showed me that He can use me even when i feel incapable. He can use me even if i feel like i can't do something or that i am not gifted in an area. i don't think He always works like that. i think God likes to put us places where we can use our strengths. but sometimes i think He also likes to remind us that if we are open to Him, we can do more than we think we are capable of doing.

what else? english classes have been a lot more fun the past few days because other people have been coming in to help. they are trying to learn the computers and software for when we leave, so there has always been a crowd and plenty of help. i thoroughly enjoy that.

andddd the bugs are still biting me. it isn't as bad as it was the first few weeks, but i still get pretty itchy from time to time. that's irritating, but ohwell. i've gotten used to it.

i am starting to get a little homesick. i called my mom yesterday, but the line kept going in and out. i think i am just getting ready to go home. i don't want to leave the people behind. i don't want to say goodbye. but i want to go home. i'm not sure how difficult it will be for me to go back. i don't know if i'll feel stressed with what i have to do or if i'll feel like i need to still process alot. i don't know. but i do know that i am glad i have been here for the past six weeks. this has been one of those things that i decided to do while not truly understanding what i was doing. i think God can urge us along to decisions that we don't always understand. because seriously, i cannot believe that i have more or less lived here for six weeks. that is a crazy experience.

i'll probably update once more before i leave. i'd like to condense the things i have learned into a list. i am so thankful for all of your support. and i am really ready to come home. not because i hate this place, but because i'm just ready. i don't know how to aptly explain that. i look forward to sharing with all of you. i think the most change that has come out of this trip has been a change in me, but i also believe that i have affected somebody's life in some way probably. and if not, then maybe God just needed to work in me. i love you all!

beth

p.s. i forgot to add this. for the first time ever....i am tan. like actually darker. i put a lot of sunblock on at the beach and the resort, but i still got tan. this is the darkest i've ever been in my life. but don't worry, i'm still whiter than most. :)

the last week

so i am heading into the last full week that i will be here, and i have mixed feelings about it. first of all, it's going to be super busy. i explained that in the last blog. we have school in the mornings 8-11 and then english classes 3-7. on top of that, i am still finishing up my graphic design work. it isn't all going to get done, but i want to get as much as possible done.

yeah. mixed feelings. i was feeling super nervous about school earlier this morning. i was also teaching sunday school to the smaller kids this morning. i don't mind doing any of that. i mean, i like kids a lot. but i don't feel like i necessarily am very good at working with kids. and that can be very frustrating for me at times. i want to be better, but i just don't really have the mentality of how to work with kids super well. and today during church i felt really discouraged about that. and just in general about the last few weeks. it is easy to wonder if i have done anything. it's easy to feel like i've failed in so many ways or that nothing i have done really matters. it is just really easy to feel discouraged and upset.

but during and after church, i realized again why i am here. i'm not here to change the world or even so that people remember me. i am here out of obedience to Him. so everything i have done, no matter how big or small, no matter whether or not someone remembers it, everything matters to Him. and also, i just remembered that no matter how bad i seem to be at something, if i do it with love....if i work to love the kids and all those around me....that is enough. i don't have to be the best teacher in the world, i just need to love the kids and do as good as i can. that's all i can do. and that is all He asks for me to do.

keri is leaving on tuesday, and that will be hard to say goodbye. i mean, i will be seeing her in a few weeks. but we've all been here together, and i have, of course, depended on her in ways i do and don't know. she has been a huge help with the english classes, and she was also my aide in the classes at the school. and she's also a lot of fun too.

we're coming to the end, and i just can't believe it. part of me feels like so much has happened and part of me feels like nothing has happened. part of me is amazed at all i've done, and part of me wishes that i had done more. i don't fully understand why i am here still, and i'm not sure that i ever will. i'd like to think i made a difference in some way. but like i said, i really think that this was about obedience.

one thing i do know, i don't want to go back to the states with a bad attitude....like i should have done more. i know that there are things i could have handled better. but i also believe that i did what God wanted me to do. and if the only thing that comes out of this trip is that i pray for certain people and that i am changed, i want that to be enough. i don't want to have to be remembered or feel like i have to see some great change. i want it to be enough that i listened, i came, and i did my best here.

alright. enough of that. pray for me and erica this upcoming week as we finish up and as we are busy. pray that keri has a safe trip home. pray that this trip wraps up the way it should. and most of all, pray that the affects of this trip in our lives, and hopefully in the lives of others, last longer than six weeks.

oh. and i put some new pictures up on facebook from the resort. it was absolutely beautiful and relaxing. and so much fun!

love you all!

beth

two weeks to go?

i can´t believe that sentence is reality. the time here has passed so quickly. i mean, it definitely hasn´t always been easy, but the fact that i only have two weeks left is a sad. i´ve been noticing that i am a little more homesick in the past few days. i just miss family and friends. but i´ve also noticed that when i think about going home, i get a lump in my throat. it´s hard to spend so much time around people only to leave them. but i am still so thankful that i am here.

yesterday was a pretty horrible day for me. i was in an awful mood, and everything seemed to be going wrong. on top of that, it seemed like every insecurity just acted up and seemed to destroy me. i got very angry and very frustrated. afterwards, i felt like such a failure. it is very easy for me to hate the passionate nature that God has given me. it seems like it always leads to temper flareups and other problems. i wish that i didn´t get upset so easily. i wish i didn´t get frustrated so easily. and sometimes, i honestly don´t know how to control my temper. on top of that, i´ve been reading a lot in proverbs. that book has a lot about controlling your temper and your words. i don´t know, i just felt awful. i prayed for forgiveness, and i knew that He had forgiven me, but i still felt like such a failure. i honestly don´t understand why God made me the way that i am sometimes. i know that my greatest weaknesses are also my greatest strengths, but that doesn´t always make me feel better. and at times, it is like everything within me works against my heart that wants to follow God. it makes me feel like i´m not meant to be a christian. i prayed a lot last night and this morning. i know God made me the way i am for a reason. and i love the good parts of my passionate nature. i think God just wanted to solidify in me that i need to learn to control my temper. i need to willfully surrender that part of me to Him.

it´s funny....the biggest thing i feel like i´ve learned so far is just about how insufficient i am. i will never be "good enough" for Him. there is nothing good in me--except for Him. last night as i was telling God that i feel like i am not a good witness for Him, i felt like He was telling me that there will always be mistakes. i will always mess up...even if i´m not blatantly sinning. it isn´t about my messups. it´s about how i handle them. it´s about my response. i am thankful for the way He has more fully exposed my weaknesses. i know that i cannot be perfect, but i want to start praying more when i start to get angry. i want to learn how to deal with it in a more healthy way. not so that He will love me more, but so that i can honor Him more with my conduct. at the end of the day, i feel like the sins i struggle with the most are the ones deep inside me...the ones that dwell in my personality traits and perspective. only He can redeem those parts of me. i am so thankful that He loves me, that He will never walk away from me, and that He will never give up on me.

we´re leaving for the resort tomorrow. please pray for me as i go. i´m still struggling with some distraction issues...and i just want to have the right heart and attitude. things have been better the past few days, but i am not under the delusion that everything is fine. i know the problem still exists. i am definitely not infallible. keri leaves next week. i´m really sad about that. especially since next week is going to be the craziest week. school will finally be back in session. so erica and i will be at the school 8-11 and then do english classes 3-7. on top of that, i will be teaching alone for the first time. i´m a little nervous about that. just pray that i have the strength and the right attitude for next week. and for erica too. we´re a little worried about how stressful it will be. and good news! i am doing really well with all the graphic design stuff. i´m not done, but i know everything that needs to be done. and i can see the end in sight. anyways. i think that is all for now. i´m leaving early tomorrow morning. ick. but to go to the resort, it will all be worthwhile. i love you all, and thank you for praying for me!
beth
p.s. everyone is in the next room playing with the wii (is that how you spell it?), and i keep hearing weird sound effects. ohmy.

i live with two teenage boys.

i never realize how long it has been since my last blog post. i seriously thought i had done one two days ago. but no, it has been a week. and since i am sure that everyone back home is dying to know what is happening in my life, here i am again.

yes, i do live with two teenage boys. and i wanted to take the opportunity to talk a little more about my host family: the rodriguez family. my host dad, miguel, is mexican and my host mom, vivian, is nicaraguan. vivian actually used to hate mexicans due to a certain incident she had when traveling, but her parents forced her to study in mexico because they wanted to break up her and her current boyfriend at the time. so vivian studied in mexico and met a friend of her sister´s named miguel. they got married and lived in mexico city for a while, and then they moved to honduras and had their four kids: guillermo, rebecca, timmy, and sammy. later on, they felt called to move to el salvador as missionaries. they´ve only been here about 7 months, i believe. miguel is the head pastor at the church here in jucuapa: centro cristiano familiar. vivian is a vivacious, fireball of a lady. she talks a mile a minute, but she truly has one of the sweetest hearts. her english is understandable, but she does have trouble speaking it sometimes. miguel is, oh my, a wonderful man full of happiness. that´s a good way to describe him. he loves his family and God very much. and his sermons are always very powerful...even though i can´t get everything he says at the time. miguel taught english for a while, so his english is very good.

now for the two teenage boys. timmy is 16 and sammy is 17. the other rodriguez kids still live in honduras. timmy is one of the sweetest teenage boys i have ever met. he is respectful, and, well, he washes my dishes sometimes. that´s just how he is. he loves to sing all the time, and he has a great voice. for some reason, though, whenever timmy really gets into singing, sammy says, ¨timmy, why are you crying?¨ it´s become a big joke between all of us. timmy has a girlfriend back in honduras that he is loves an awful lot, but he hasn´t seen here for about 7 months. he wants to be an esl teacher and probably teach either here or somewhere abroad. timmy´s and sammy´s english is pretty much flawless because they grew up in a bilingual school and a bilingual home because of their dad. sammy is the cutie of the family. he is completely the youngest child in every way. he knows how to pout so that he gets his way, but he doesn´t do that often. he is actually a pretty mature fifteen year old. i spend a lot of time around him, and he is a sweetheart as well. i told him the other day that i really do feel like he is my brother. sammy wants to be an architect someday. i was worried about what it would be like living with two teenage boys, but i pretty much think they are amazing. i look forward to seeing them and hanging out with them everyday. they are two very special boys. and they are both ridiculously smart.

so that is the family i´ve been living with for the past three weeks. after about a week here, i realized that i was going to be crying when i left. you grow attached to people very quickly. it´s just the way that it is. and that´s okay too. many people go to lots of different places to do mission work. but for me, i think i want to just focus on one or two areas. i would love to be involved in this ministry in jucuapa for the rest of my life. i don´t mean that i want to move down here. but when i do take trips, i would like to return here. i would like to partner with this church and the schools. i just feel like if i am going to invest in something, i want it to be something that i know well. we´ll have to see how that all pans out in my life.

what else is happening? english classes are going on right now. overall, they have been going well, but there have been a few snares. one of the computers isn´t working very well. and scheduling has been a nightmare. mostly that´s just culture, but it can be really frustrating for us. school is cancelled next week as well. so we will only be in the schools one week before we go. keri is leaving not next week but the following week. fun stuff that we are doing: tomorrow we are going to the beach for the day. then next week we are going to a resort for about three days. i am very excited! there should be lots of pictures up in the next week.

prayer requests....umm...that the english classes would continue going well. that erica and i would be okay with the workload once keri leaves. that i would get all of my graphic design work done. for timmy and sammy because they really want to go on this pastor kid´s retreat, and they aren´t sure that they will be able to do so. and also, just for me that i would have the right heart and attitude. it is easy to get distracted. and i have been struggling with relating to one person in particular here. i want to be above reproach in all that i do, but i also want to be able to relax and have a good time. so yes. i think that is it for now. there will probably be two or three more updates before i come home. gasp. thanks to all of you for praying and loving me. i appreciate it very much!
beth

.vbs.adorable kids.english classes.breakdowns.

that pretty much sums it up, so i think i'll stop typing after this sentence. :)

just. joking.

so it has been an interesting week for me emotionally. i was struggling a lot with stress earlier this week. and then last night i had a very interesting evening. let's start with that last post.

i feel much better regarding my graphic design work. i think i just struggle because i feel like there are a lot of expectations on me, and i don't want to fail anyone. also, i hate having people look over my shoulders as i am designing something. some people can sit next to me, and i'm fine if they see me as i design. but some people seriously stand over me. i feel like they are judging my every movement. it makes me a little crazy. i do struggle to create and design things. i'm not always sure of what i'm doing. and it's just difficult for me to execute a good idea. but overall, i'm feeling much better.

what else? english classes finally started. the problems finally got worked out, and we've had a few students since then. please keep praying, though, as we learn how to utilize the program to the best of its abilities. there are definitely still kinks to work out. and it is humbling for the people to come in and try to learn english when people are watching them--even if we are there to help.

we had vbs this past week because the schools were out. the work team from asbury had a whole bunch of stuff prepared, so everything went very well. i basically just helped out with the little kids. and i've fallen in love with the kids. they are so adorable. i want to write down all of their names so that i remember to pray for them. i mean, i am here for a few more weeks. but i think most of the impact that i can have on them is through consistent prayer.

and now....the breakdown. last night i was journalling about some things that i was feeling. it was like i saw a problem, and i wanted to solve it. and as i worked through how i was feeling, i realized that my problem was so much more than i thought it was. it wasn't just this isolated incident. it was my perspective. it was what i thought of myself. and, of course, i should have known. it's funny how our insecurities can always find us no matter where we are. they hunt me down sometimes. i had a good time of prayer and journalling and, yes, crying. i realized again how much He loves me. and how skewed my perspective of myself can be. the sad thing is that when my perspective of myself gets so screwed up, i stop reaching out to others. last night i realized anew how much i struggle with my self-worth. it's not as if i don't know the truth of who i am. i know who i am in Him. but sometimes truth doesn't reach the heart. He loves all of us so much. He knows exactly who we are, our strengths and weaknesses, our failures, and our mistakes--but He still loves us. i am so thankful for that. i am so thankful that His love is strong.

today i was a little exhausted just because of the emotional drain of yesterday. but i noticed that i was more willing to give, more willing to engage, and more willing to reach out. i'm thankful that He shows me when something is wrong. and i am so thankful that He shows me my insufficiencies....but doesn't leave it at that.

one thing i have noticed that frustrates me is...well...i feel very cynical. sometimes when christians talk about their faith or their testimony, i am just left feeling dissatisfied and cynical. i tihnk we underrate God so much. it becomes some happy-go-lucky relationship where He is our best friend full of love. and there are elements of that in the relationship. but honestly, i don't consider God my best friend. He is infinitely higher than that. He knows everything about me in every way. He is not something that can be substantiated into infantile human words. i don't know, it just bothers me how we make God seem so friendly. i don't know how to explain it. all i know is that i feel very dissatisfied with the way christians talk about God. i know that may sound pretentious, but it's the way i feel.

okay. prayer requests. that vbs would finish up well. that we would get the hang of our english classes and how to teach the people that come in. and continue to pray that i would sacrifice my pride. i never want to feel like i can't do anything simply because i am worried about people's perceptions of me. i want to sacrifice who i am. all i want to do is to learn how to love. please continue to pray that i will reach out to people and pray for them. i know i can't change the world, but i do want to live as He asks me to live. and i don't want to isolate myself.

i'm very thankful for all the good that has happened already. i love the relationships i have made with the rodriguez and hawk family. i feel very loved and cared for here. there has been a lot of healing in my life these past few weeks. i know that He is doing good things inside of me. and i just want to honor Him with how i handle these next weeks.

i love all of you! thank you so much for your prayers and support! this has been an experience that i don't even know how to begin to describe. :)

oh. and for those of you who don't know....i was joking about the guillermo de ochoa comment. he's a player on the mexican soccer team. and i've been watching the games for the gold cup with the rodriguez family. basically, he's awesome. and the most beloved player on the team. and he totally won the game for the team and now they're in the finals. i hope mexico beats the us tomorrow. yeah. i said it. but i don't actually know him. it was a joke. :) love you all!

.moment of peace.

so i'm up here typing away at taylor's computer while everyone finishes up the first day of vacation bible school. they didn't really need me. and honestly, i needed to get away. i think erica could tell that. i've been feeling super emotional lately. i mean, i'm normally an emotional person. but, i don't know, the last few days have been a little rougher for me. i've just been feeling blue. and, i don't know, underappreciated. i hesitate to write this here, but i promised myself i would be honest so that people back home would know how to pray for me. i've just been noticing the past few days how i just want to cry over random things that don't matter. i've been getting my feelings hurt more. and i just, i don't know, i feel like i can just about kill myself doing things and nobody really appreciates or understands what i'm doing. basically this is regards to the graphic design stuff that i'm doing. i work so hard on everything that i do. and it is so time consuming. i know it doesn't have to be perfect, but i try to get as close to perfection as possible because that is what i demand. but when i'm done, i don't know how to explain it. part of it is just that people don't really understand what i'm doing. but it's so difficult to work so hard on something and then.....no real response. it's just expected of me that i do these things. and it's a little stressful because i have so many tasks that are expected of me. i like doing graphic design work, but i'm not necessarily sure that i have a gift for it. it's very taxing, and often i just end feeling like a failure. and everyday there is something else that somebody else wants me to do. i just feel really frustrated and really emotional. i don't enjoy feeling that way. and, i don't know, it's just hard sometimes when people hurt my feelings. it's so ridiculous some of the things that hurt me, but they do hurt me. and where i am at currently, well, part of me just wants to sit down and cry or completely withdraw.

wow. that was a lot of emotion in a paragraph. just please pray for me. i struggle a lot in my life with feeling unvalidated. i think this is just another outlet for that same old insecurity. i don't want to make everything about me. i know that loving God is about loving with reckless abandonment. it's about giving up everything. i don't want to need responses or validation. i know that His view of me is the truth. but all of us need validation in some way. and i'm just struggling with that right now. please pray for me. i don't want to be selfish. and i don't want to be on the edge of tears. i want to be able to serve others no matter how they respond to me.

sorry if this was a little much. i just needed to get it out. i will be okay. i know i will. no matter what anyone thinks of me or whether or not i am validated, i know that He knows me completely. He loves me. He calls me and what i do valid. everything i do is an act of service to Him. and while that doesn't feel like enough now....it is enough. i know He is enough.

i love you all! hopefully my next post will be a bit less heavy. :)