teaching kids by myself in the last days

so i figured that i should probably update this blog here again. i don't really know if anyone is still reading it, but what they hey. i'll send my thoughts out into the universe regardless. :) i have exactly five full days, including today, until i hop on a plane and head back to the states. that is awfully surreal for me to realize. i think because i have been here for so long, it feels in some ways like i am never going to leave. and it is just weird to realize, once more, that i have another part of my life that nobody back home has shared with me. i feel that way often about asbury and home. they are two very separate parts of my life that don't normally mix. andthat is how i feel about el salvador. i know that i have shared, and will share, a lot of my experiences with people in my life. but i also know that it is separate. it's just weird to have six weeks of your life in one place and then to leave. i'm returning to a place where, more or less, things are still the same. it's hard for me to explain, but i think some of you, if not all of you, understand.

okay. so keri left on tuesday. it has been weird to not have her around. she left so that she would have more time before she needed to head back to asbury. i really wasn't sure how things were going to go without her here. that meant i would be teaching the kids by myself for four days. and i just did not know how that would go down. on top of that, it mean that erica and i would be doing the english classes with rosetta stone by ourselves. keri had done a lot of work for that, and i wasn't sure how we were going to do with that. between school, graphic design stuff, and english classes, i thought this week would be super stressful. i just knew that i was going to get burnt out.

surprise upon surprises...this week has been not stressful at all. maybe it is because i know there is an end in sight. maybe God is just doing something in me. i don't know why, but i feel good. i still get nervous about school in the mornings. but i only have one day left. and overall, everything has gone really well. i honestly love the kids...even if i'm not the best teacher. when i was starting to stress about teaching the kids on my own, i really felt like God reminded me that if i do it with love, even if i stink royally, i cannot fail. my goal isn't to make sure these kids learn english...it is to show them love. and let me tell you, there are plenty of opportunities for that when kids constantly surround you and hug you.

this whole school thing is so surreal to me. i honestly cannot believe that i have been standing up in front of classes of thirty or more kids and holding their attention. they all seem so thankful to learn english. and they all, for the most part, really want to please me. of course, some of the older boys stare at me because, well, that's how it is, but even so i can tell it isn't creepy. it's just teenage boy awkwardness. and that just makes me smile. it has been a really good experience to do this. i can't say that i had the best attitude the first week, but something happened this last week. and i'm so glad it did. God is so gracious. i was initially very overwhelmed when we talked about going into the schools. through this, though, God has showed me that He can use me even when i feel incapable. He can use me even if i feel like i can't do something or that i am not gifted in an area. i don't think He always works like that. i think God likes to put us places where we can use our strengths. but sometimes i think He also likes to remind us that if we are open to Him, we can do more than we think we are capable of doing.

what else? english classes have been a lot more fun the past few days because other people have been coming in to help. they are trying to learn the computers and software for when we leave, so there has always been a crowd and plenty of help. i thoroughly enjoy that.

andddd the bugs are still biting me. it isn't as bad as it was the first few weeks, but i still get pretty itchy from time to time. that's irritating, but ohwell. i've gotten used to it.

i am starting to get a little homesick. i called my mom yesterday, but the line kept going in and out. i think i am just getting ready to go home. i don't want to leave the people behind. i don't want to say goodbye. but i want to go home. i'm not sure how difficult it will be for me to go back. i don't know if i'll feel stressed with what i have to do or if i'll feel like i need to still process alot. i don't know. but i do know that i am glad i have been here for the past six weeks. this has been one of those things that i decided to do while not truly understanding what i was doing. i think God can urge us along to decisions that we don't always understand. because seriously, i cannot believe that i have more or less lived here for six weeks. that is a crazy experience.

i'll probably update once more before i leave. i'd like to condense the things i have learned into a list. i am so thankful for all of your support. and i am really ready to come home. not because i hate this place, but because i'm just ready. i don't know how to aptly explain that. i look forward to sharing with all of you. i think the most change that has come out of this trip has been a change in me, but i also believe that i have affected somebody's life in some way probably. and if not, then maybe God just needed to work in me. i love you all!

beth

p.s. i forgot to add this. for the first time ever....i am tan. like actually darker. i put a lot of sunblock on at the beach and the resort, but i still got tan. this is the darkest i've ever been in my life. but don't worry, i'm still whiter than most. :)