.moment of peace.

so i'm up here typing away at taylor's computer while everyone finishes up the first day of vacation bible school. they didn't really need me. and honestly, i needed to get away. i think erica could tell that. i've been feeling super emotional lately. i mean, i'm normally an emotional person. but, i don't know, the last few days have been a little rougher for me. i've just been feeling blue. and, i don't know, underappreciated. i hesitate to write this here, but i promised myself i would be honest so that people back home would know how to pray for me. i've just been noticing the past few days how i just want to cry over random things that don't matter. i've been getting my feelings hurt more. and i just, i don't know, i feel like i can just about kill myself doing things and nobody really appreciates or understands what i'm doing. basically this is regards to the graphic design stuff that i'm doing. i work so hard on everything that i do. and it is so time consuming. i know it doesn't have to be perfect, but i try to get as close to perfection as possible because that is what i demand. but when i'm done, i don't know how to explain it. part of it is just that people don't really understand what i'm doing. but it's so difficult to work so hard on something and then.....no real response. it's just expected of me that i do these things. and it's a little stressful because i have so many tasks that are expected of me. i like doing graphic design work, but i'm not necessarily sure that i have a gift for it. it's very taxing, and often i just end feeling like a failure. and everyday there is something else that somebody else wants me to do. i just feel really frustrated and really emotional. i don't enjoy feeling that way. and, i don't know, it's just hard sometimes when people hurt my feelings. it's so ridiculous some of the things that hurt me, but they do hurt me. and where i am at currently, well, part of me just wants to sit down and cry or completely withdraw.

wow. that was a lot of emotion in a paragraph. just please pray for me. i struggle a lot in my life with feeling unvalidated. i think this is just another outlet for that same old insecurity. i don't want to make everything about me. i know that loving God is about loving with reckless abandonment. it's about giving up everything. i don't want to need responses or validation. i know that His view of me is the truth. but all of us need validation in some way. and i'm just struggling with that right now. please pray for me. i don't want to be selfish. and i don't want to be on the edge of tears. i want to be able to serve others no matter how they respond to me.

sorry if this was a little much. i just needed to get it out. i will be okay. i know i will. no matter what anyone thinks of me or whether or not i am validated, i know that He knows me completely. He loves me. He calls me and what i do valid. everything i do is an act of service to Him. and while that doesn't feel like enough now....it is enough. i know He is enough.

i love you all! hopefully my next post will be a bit less heavy. :)