.vbs.adorable kids.english classes.breakdowns.

that pretty much sums it up, so i think i'll stop typing after this sentence. :)

just. joking.

so it has been an interesting week for me emotionally. i was struggling a lot with stress earlier this week. and then last night i had a very interesting evening. let's start with that last post.

i feel much better regarding my graphic design work. i think i just struggle because i feel like there are a lot of expectations on me, and i don't want to fail anyone. also, i hate having people look over my shoulders as i am designing something. some people can sit next to me, and i'm fine if they see me as i design. but some people seriously stand over me. i feel like they are judging my every movement. it makes me a little crazy. i do struggle to create and design things. i'm not always sure of what i'm doing. and it's just difficult for me to execute a good idea. but overall, i'm feeling much better.

what else? english classes finally started. the problems finally got worked out, and we've had a few students since then. please keep praying, though, as we learn how to utilize the program to the best of its abilities. there are definitely still kinks to work out. and it is humbling for the people to come in and try to learn english when people are watching them--even if we are there to help.

we had vbs this past week because the schools were out. the work team from asbury had a whole bunch of stuff prepared, so everything went very well. i basically just helped out with the little kids. and i've fallen in love with the kids. they are so adorable. i want to write down all of their names so that i remember to pray for them. i mean, i am here for a few more weeks. but i think most of the impact that i can have on them is through consistent prayer.

and now....the breakdown. last night i was journalling about some things that i was feeling. it was like i saw a problem, and i wanted to solve it. and as i worked through how i was feeling, i realized that my problem was so much more than i thought it was. it wasn't just this isolated incident. it was my perspective. it was what i thought of myself. and, of course, i should have known. it's funny how our insecurities can always find us no matter where we are. they hunt me down sometimes. i had a good time of prayer and journalling and, yes, crying. i realized again how much He loves me. and how skewed my perspective of myself can be. the sad thing is that when my perspective of myself gets so screwed up, i stop reaching out to others. last night i realized anew how much i struggle with my self-worth. it's not as if i don't know the truth of who i am. i know who i am in Him. but sometimes truth doesn't reach the heart. He loves all of us so much. He knows exactly who we are, our strengths and weaknesses, our failures, and our mistakes--but He still loves us. i am so thankful for that. i am so thankful that His love is strong.

today i was a little exhausted just because of the emotional drain of yesterday. but i noticed that i was more willing to give, more willing to engage, and more willing to reach out. i'm thankful that He shows me when something is wrong. and i am so thankful that He shows me my insufficiencies....but doesn't leave it at that.

one thing i have noticed that frustrates me is...well...i feel very cynical. sometimes when christians talk about their faith or their testimony, i am just left feeling dissatisfied and cynical. i tihnk we underrate God so much. it becomes some happy-go-lucky relationship where He is our best friend full of love. and there are elements of that in the relationship. but honestly, i don't consider God my best friend. He is infinitely higher than that. He knows everything about me in every way. He is not something that can be substantiated into infantile human words. i don't know, it just bothers me how we make God seem so friendly. i don't know how to explain it. all i know is that i feel very dissatisfied with the way christians talk about God. i know that may sound pretentious, but it's the way i feel.

okay. prayer requests. that vbs would finish up well. that we would get the hang of our english classes and how to teach the people that come in. and continue to pray that i would sacrifice my pride. i never want to feel like i can't do anything simply because i am worried about people's perceptions of me. i want to sacrifice who i am. all i want to do is to learn how to love. please continue to pray that i will reach out to people and pray for them. i know i can't change the world, but i do want to live as He asks me to live. and i don't want to isolate myself.

i'm very thankful for all the good that has happened already. i love the relationships i have made with the rodriguez and hawk family. i feel very loved and cared for here. there has been a lot of healing in my life these past few weeks. i know that He is doing good things inside of me. and i just want to honor Him with how i handle these next weeks.

i love all of you! thank you so much for your prayers and support! this has been an experience that i don't even know how to begin to describe. :)

oh. and for those of you who don't know....i was joking about the guillermo de ochoa comment. he's a player on the mexican soccer team. and i've been watching the games for the gold cup with the rodriguez family. basically, he's awesome. and the most beloved player on the team. and he totally won the game for the team and now they're in the finals. i hope mexico beats the us tomorrow. yeah. i said it. but i don't actually know him. it was a joke. :) love you all!