two weeks to go?

i can´t believe that sentence is reality. the time here has passed so quickly. i mean, it definitely hasn´t always been easy, but the fact that i only have two weeks left is a sad. i´ve been noticing that i am a little more homesick in the past few days. i just miss family and friends. but i´ve also noticed that when i think about going home, i get a lump in my throat. it´s hard to spend so much time around people only to leave them. but i am still so thankful that i am here.

yesterday was a pretty horrible day for me. i was in an awful mood, and everything seemed to be going wrong. on top of that, it seemed like every insecurity just acted up and seemed to destroy me. i got very angry and very frustrated. afterwards, i felt like such a failure. it is very easy for me to hate the passionate nature that God has given me. it seems like it always leads to temper flareups and other problems. i wish that i didn´t get upset so easily. i wish i didn´t get frustrated so easily. and sometimes, i honestly don´t know how to control my temper. on top of that, i´ve been reading a lot in proverbs. that book has a lot about controlling your temper and your words. i don´t know, i just felt awful. i prayed for forgiveness, and i knew that He had forgiven me, but i still felt like such a failure. i honestly don´t understand why God made me the way that i am sometimes. i know that my greatest weaknesses are also my greatest strengths, but that doesn´t always make me feel better. and at times, it is like everything within me works against my heart that wants to follow God. it makes me feel like i´m not meant to be a christian. i prayed a lot last night and this morning. i know God made me the way i am for a reason. and i love the good parts of my passionate nature. i think God just wanted to solidify in me that i need to learn to control my temper. i need to willfully surrender that part of me to Him.

it´s funny....the biggest thing i feel like i´ve learned so far is just about how insufficient i am. i will never be "good enough" for Him. there is nothing good in me--except for Him. last night as i was telling God that i feel like i am not a good witness for Him, i felt like He was telling me that there will always be mistakes. i will always mess up...even if i´m not blatantly sinning. it isn´t about my messups. it´s about how i handle them. it´s about my response. i am thankful for the way He has more fully exposed my weaknesses. i know that i cannot be perfect, but i want to start praying more when i start to get angry. i want to learn how to deal with it in a more healthy way. not so that He will love me more, but so that i can honor Him more with my conduct. at the end of the day, i feel like the sins i struggle with the most are the ones deep inside me...the ones that dwell in my personality traits and perspective. only He can redeem those parts of me. i am so thankful that He loves me, that He will never walk away from me, and that He will never give up on me.

we´re leaving for the resort tomorrow. please pray for me as i go. i´m still struggling with some distraction issues...and i just want to have the right heart and attitude. things have been better the past few days, but i am not under the delusion that everything is fine. i know the problem still exists. i am definitely not infallible. keri leaves next week. i´m really sad about that. especially since next week is going to be the craziest week. school will finally be back in session. so erica and i will be at the school 8-11 and then do english classes 3-7. on top of that, i will be teaching alone for the first time. i´m a little nervous about that. just pray that i have the strength and the right attitude for next week. and for erica too. we´re a little worried about how stressful it will be. and good news! i am doing really well with all the graphic design stuff. i´m not done, but i know everything that needs to be done. and i can see the end in sight. anyways. i think that is all for now. i´m leaving early tomorrow morning. ick. but to go to the resort, it will all be worthwhile. i love you all, and thank you for praying for me!
beth
p.s. everyone is in the next room playing with the wii (is that how you spell it?), and i keep hearing weird sound effects. ohmy.